HD’s Musings

So here I sit in a dark recovery room, trying to corral my racing mind, while my wife and daughter sleep .  Just about 12 hours ago, Elle came into this world and boy oh boy is she amazing.  She’s tiny - yet already so coordinated and strong.  She’s new to this world - yet already so bright eyed and curious.  She’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen yet - has filled two of the nastiest diapers I’ver ever seen.

I’ll have much more to say about Elliott over the weeks, months and years ahead, but after the day she had yesterday, my wife deserves a bit of attention.  Quite simply put, Kari was unstoppable yesterday.  I’ve never seen anyone so completely set their mind to accomplishing such a daunting task.  I still can’t quite believe all that I saw.  I’ll get more into the whole labor process at a later date (don’t worry, I was taking notes), but I need to spend some time talking about the last 15 minutes.

Kari had progressed quickly, but Elle just didn’t want to get into the right position.  Her head was down, but she was spun around and just slightly off-center.  That meant that all of Kari’s pushing just extended the conehead and didn’t move her down the birth canal.  Dr. Bear arrived about 1:45 into the pushing and helped spin the baby around so Elliott was properly aligned.  Kari continued to push and push and push and she just wasn’t coming any further toward the light.

Around the two hour mark, Dr. Bear was starting to be concerned for the baby as heart rates were changing slightly and he was also concerned for Kari.  And well he should.  She had been up for about 36 hours at that point, spent about two hours in active labor before getting an epidural and then spent another two hours pushing harder than what seemed physically possible.  Both nurses and Dr. Bear commented on how strong Kari was - they were at a loss as to why the baby wasn’t coming down.  So Dr. Bear hinted at the idea of a C-section because he needed her to come down a few more inches so he could use forceps, but it seemed that little Elle just didn’t want to come out that way. 

The thought of a C-section, though a perfectly normal and safe procedure, had Kari worried.  She didn’t like the idea of being cut open, but more importantly to her - she wanted to finish what she had started.  Desi - our wonderful nurse - knew how important delivering vaginally was to Kari so when Dr. Bear left the room she gave Kari a pep talk and asked for one more set of pushes during the next contraction.  She wanted to see if Kari could make that baby move.  At that point, something otherworldly came from my wife.

Kari bore down and pushed.  She moved the heavens and earth with this push.  I was at her bedside on my knees trying to project all my energy into her, but she didn’t need it.  After the contraction and pushing stopped, Desi jumped like she had been electrocuted and was all excitement and giddiness.  She ran out to find Dr. Bear and brought him back into the room convinced the baby had moved.  Dr. Bear felt around and told Kari she had one last shot.  Move the baby down and out come the forceps and Baby Dawson.  No one mentioned the alternative.  I think we all knew deep down that Kari was going to do whatever it took to have Elliott the way that she wanted to.

With a nurse at each knee, Dr. Bear between her legs and me at her side - Kari took over that room.  She was a complete force of nature.  I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.  You could feel the heat and energy coming off of her.  I was as emotional during those pushes as I was when Elliott first poked her head out and looked around.  My wife decided she was going to have that baby.  Right. Now. As the contraction passed and the pushing stopped, Kari lay back spent - her eyes closed and brow damp with sweat.  We then heard four magical words from Dr. Bear. 

“Give me the forceps.”

She did it.  In three otherworldly pushes, Kari convinced her pelvis to realign, her uterine muscles to focus their energy and our little girl to move her little head down the canal.  Before we knew it, Elle was filling the room with her beautiful cries and my eyes filled with tears as I gazed upon my amazing, unstoppable wife.  She did it.

So Kari and I are at the hospital and the process has started.  They’ve just administered the first dose of Cytotec so now we wait for the cervix to soften up. 

Today has been a good day.  Kari kept herself busy and distracted at the house most of the morning and afternoon.  We did a lot of cleaning so everything will be ready for baby’s arrival.  I broke out our new video camera and we recorded a few items that we’ll eventually put into a video for the baby.  I did a video tour of her new bedroom, hitting all the highlights, and then both Kari and I recorded a message for her as we prepared to go to the hospital.

It was a strange feeling recording thoughts for my soon to be born daughter.  There is an underlying feeling that I should be saying something profound and interesting, but ultimately all I was able to do was profess my love for her and excitement at her arrival.  Kari’s message was much sweeter and talked about her feelings of carrying her all these months.  All I was able to come up with was that I was excited to read books to her.  Which I am - reading is such a big part of my life, she’s going to get a full dose.  I can only hope she comes to love books like I do.

We’ll probably record a few other things from the hospital room. We bought video editing software so I’m excited to relive my old broadcast journalism days.  Some of these pieces we’ll share on this site, but many of them will be put together into a longer piece that we’ll be able to share with her as she gets older.  Hopefully she doesn’t think her parents are too big of dorks.

As Kari and I start this family website, I’m excited to start putting my thoughts out there again.  Some of you reading this are familiar with my writing - maybe from college, maybe from high school, most definitely from grad school.  You also might be familiar with my starts and stops.  While I enjoy writing, it always seems to be the first thing that gets cut from seemingly always busy schedule. 

So what do I decide to do about a week before my first child arrives?  Start a new outlet for my writing!  My hope is that life with my daughter and all the new things I’m about to experience - both as a father and as husband - will inspire me to find time to write.  I also think I’ll need this creative outlet.  It’s tough to say exactly how this will exactly play out.  My thinking right now is that our baby and my change in title will be the force behind many posts, but I’ve never been accused of being singularly focused - you’ll probably see all sorts of topics addressed here. 

As for fatherhood, my feelings with less than a week to go are all about excitement.  I long ago got past the nerves, the wonder, the disbelief - I’m just excited to meet my little girl.  Kari and I have the room ready.  We have a name picked out and refer to her by that name whenever we’re alone together.  We’ve received or bought most of the items that she’ll need to start life (yes, many of them are pink).  I’m just plain old excited.  I’m ready to meet her, ready to learn from her and ready to get that feeling I know that I’ll only get by looking into her eyes. 

I hope each of you reading this are just as excited to meet her as we are.  It’s going to be a hell of a journey - thanks for coming along.