Baptism Class
Kari and I are preparing to have Elliott baptized later this summer and as part of that process, our church has a 1 ½ hour baptism class for each couple to participate in. Our class was last Wednesday night. What happened at that class MUST be shared with the world. The class consisted of Deacon John, a deacon in training, a couple from the church that was sitting in on the class to learn about facilitating them and finally, five couples that wanted to have their child baptized. The class was pretty laid back. They went over some of the details of the baptism, its importance, etc but a large amount of our time was spent talking as couples with new babies.
We shared in two ways - through a family introduction and in talking about “God moments” we’ve experienced. The “God moment” was where we each shared a moment in our lives where we had seen/felt God and the Deacon wanted us to think about how those feelings/emotions/messages could be shared with our child, and all of that starts with baptism.
The introductions were pretty standard. Names, occupations, details about the baby, how we met, etc. We’re going around the circle and it started off with a funny exchange around the occupations of the first couple:
Restaurant Manager Dad: “My wife and both work as restaurant managers. She manages a Qdoba and I manage a restaurant in Greenfield.” (slightly shifting in his seat)
Deacon John: “Oh. What restaurant do you manage?”
Restaurant Manager Dad: “Umm. The..uh…Hooters on Layton.” (unsure if he just sinned by mentioning Hooters in a church)
Deacon John: “Oh! Hooters. Oh yes - they have really good chicken wings!” (shockingly earnest in his appreciation for the food)
Rest of the Guys at the Table: (laughing) “Yeah - the wings there are good. Yeah” (more laughter)
Deacon John: “No, no, they really are good. Um, they have a unique flavor and they are quite good. Well, very good - thank you for sharing.”
Restaurant Manager Dad: “Uh, no problem at all.” (now uncomfortable because he got the exact immature reaction which caused him to keep it general in the first place).
We all got a good chuckle out of that one, but little did we know what was yet to come. Kari and I did our little presentation and passed it along to the couple to our right. They were a bit older (mid to late 30s) than the rest of the group and just seemed slightly odd. They were throwing around personal information like it was no big deal.
We quickly learned that they adopted from a woman who was impregnated by an illegal immigrant. The biological father wanted to fight for custody, but he had no legal rights as a non-citizen so the process has been long and painful for them. We also learned that the wife has a genetic condition that causes profuse sweating in her hands so she had to be fingerprinted five times for the adoption proceedings before the prints were acceptable.
The wife also dove into her struggles with infertility and all of the guilt, pain and hardship that came with it. She got really emotional and upset talking about it - to the point where I felt the urge to pat her shoulder or give her some sort of reassurance - and her husband showed absolutely ZERO interest in comforting her. It was bizarre. Here this lady is crying and talking about guilt that makes her feel like it was “her fault” and the dude didn’t lift a finger to comfort her. He just stared ahead blankly, listing slightly to the left as his circa-1993 pager weighed him down.
So even after all of that, the biggest bombshell was about to hit. The wife finishes all of her personal confession and details and they seemed to be finished. Little did we know, they were just starting…
Deacon John: “Before we move on, how did you two meet?”
Odd Duck Dad: (looking at his wife) “I’ll take this one, OK?”
Odd Duck Mom: (slowly nods)
Odd Duck Dad: “Well, we’ve known each other for 28 years.”
Deacon John: “Oh wow - so you grew up together?”
Odd Duck Dad: “Yeah. She probably doesn’t want me to say this, but we’re first cousins.”
Everyone Else in the Room: (to themselves) “WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT??”
Cousin Mom: (after waiting a beat) “But I’m adopted.”
Everyone Else in the Room: (to themselves) “WHEW. WAIT. ARE THEY SERIOUSLY FIRST COUSINS?”
Deacon John: (clearly relieved) “Oh, well that’s um…uh…good and interesting and ok.”
Cousin Mom: “We had to get special dispensation from the bishop and everything.”
Cousin Dad: “Yeah, we had to prove there was no consanguinity.”
Deacon John: “Oh yeah - gotta make sure there is no blood relation.”
Everyone Else in the Room: (to themselves) “USUALLY THE WORRY OF BLOOD RELATION ISN’T A CONCERN!!!”
Cousin Dad: “Yeah, so once we were in the clear…”
He continued to ramble on but at that point it didn’t even matter what he was saying. Strangely, I found myself feeling less weirded out once she said “I was adopted.” It was still completely mind blowing and I found myself distracted for the rest of the class, but I wasn’t completely revolted once I knew they weren’t related.
Fast forward to the end of the class. We finished up in the hall and were heading up to the church to go over the physical part of the ceremony - where we’ll stand, where the family sits, etc. As we’re heading upstairs, I overheard the cousin Dad talking about how his wife grew up in Green Bay and he grew up in Milwaukee so they only saw each other on holidays at “grandma’s house” and that his parents were her Godparents and her parents were his Godparents. The feeling of disbelief and creepiness washed back over me. Sure, they weren’t related by blood, but they were COUSINS! I have 30 cousins - some of them are very nice people, but I never thought about them as anything but a COUSIN!
We got through the rest of the class and got into our car. Kari and I instantly start talking a mile a minute about the cousin couple. We then started laughing because we knew at that exact moment, three other baptism couples, the older couple from the church and probably both deacons on their cell phones were talking about the exact same thing.
I’m now left with countless questions…
At what point did their interest in each other blossom? Did he start liking her before or after he knew she was adopted? Did their family fight the union?
What about the wedding? They clearly saved money when it came to inviting extended family…
What did the wedding program look like? Did they only have to list one set of grandparents? Were there entries like: “First Reading is by John Smith, father of the bride & uncle of the groom?”
Ahh, so many jokes, not enough time, but the most important question was not asked - WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU EVER SHARE THAT INFORMATION WITH ANYONE?
The good news is that we passed the class and Elliott’s baptism is on for June 28th, 2009. We’re doing it in the same church we were married in which will be special for all of us. Now we’re just hoping we can get her to like bath time a bit better or else she’ll be lifting her voice in “prayer” right as she’s being cleansed of original sin…
May 12th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Homer, lol, your story made me laugh and wonder about those kissing cousins… too funny Elliott is a doll baby, congratulations. I read that she doesn’t like her baths too much…
We went through the same thing with Breckan, and I am sure you are using one of those infant tubs like we did, with the net.
Someone suggested to us to take the net out, and drape a handtowel across the back and bottom of the tub. That way, the baby is in the water more and the towel is warmer because cause it soaks up the water, unlike the net! Plus that keeps the baby from slipping.
It worked like a charm, he has loved bathtime ever since. I know it seems scary cause they are still so small but it was worth it.
I hope this works for Elliott.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
LMAO! That was too frickin’ funny. Sad thing is, my ex’s baby’s mother had two kids with her cousin, yes, blood cousin. Super-dooper nasty, and the sucker still is trying to get back with her, after she consumated her relationship with her cousin. I, personally wouldn’t want to touch her with a ten-foot pole knowing he did what he did with her, whether or not she is the mother of my son and daughter! So the two little girls she had have a daddy and a unlce, er..2nd, 3rd cousin..I’m not sure, but it’s still a blood relation. Some people are just…well..they are just. Guess when you’re in heat, you’re in heat!
May 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Just look at those statistics–2 out of the 5 couples—were very “interesting”. You really stop wondering how the world can seem so messed up sometimes.
Thank you for being normal son.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Loved your story. It’s amazing what some people will share about their lives. I laughed so hard. Uncle Tom kept asking me what was so funny. I told him to read your blog. Keep the funny stories coming.