Kari’s Thoughts

It has now been about 10 days since I’ve quit breastfeeding, and I must say, the transition has gone much smoother than I anticipated. Thankfully, I stockpiled a lot of frozen breastmilk during the last five months, so for the last week and a half, we’ve mixed the breastmilk with formula to feed Elle. That’s going well. She took to the change quite easily and I’ve come to accept that formula will not kill my baby. Formula, however, does result in much smellier diapers.

As for the whole milk-drying-up situation, that has also been pretty easy. I was afraid my boobs would explode as I weened, but that hasn’t been the case. In a few days, I should be back to pre-baby boob status. Although, my boobs are still giant compared to what they were before this all began. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss my little B-cups. Oh well. I’m sure Homer’s not complaining.

My new medication is going well. The pain throughout my body has definitely diminished.  I am not so stiff in the mornings and I don’t lie awake in bed because everything hurts. The decision to stop breastfeeding to start taking care of myself was a good one.

That is my new goal–to take care of myself. Sometimes I put so much time and effort and stress into worrying about all the negative in my life that I fail to stop and see all of the goodness around me. So, with the changing of the seasons, I am making changes within myself.

I’ve rejoined Weight Watchers and I’m going to lose 15 pounds. I probably don’t need to spend the $40 a month to do this, but I like the support and accountability of going to the meetings and weighing in, so I’m doing it. I’m forcing myself to eat healthier. Five days into the program–I am doing well.  

I’ve really committed myself to my running. This past week, I logged more than 50 miles.  It’s become a stress reliever and source of strength for me. As much as I enjoy my time with Elliott, I need to get out of the house. I need that time alone to just think and figure things out.  And I like the challenge. When you’re running, you can only be defeated by yourself. It’s a mental game–and I like the accomplishment of meeting my goals.

And I’m staying positive about the job situation. That probably answered your question–still no job.  But, it will come in time. Until then, I will keep meeting with people and sending out my resume. One of these days, something will happen. I just keep telling myself that somehow God has a plan for me and he’s just waiting for the right time and situation for me. 

I know I year from now I will be sitting here thinking, “See…this all worked out for the best.”

So, I got some news from the rheumatologist today regarding treatment moving forward for my RA and lupus. To set the scene, for the last year, I’ve been taking several drugs–prednisone, hydroxycloroquine, and naproxen–to control the pain and inflammation, as well as the progress of the diseases. These drugs are fairly mild, and my doctor chose not to use stronger treatments because, at the time, I was planning on having a baby.

Fast forward two years.

Since giving birth in March, the pain throughout my body from the diseases has, at times, become unbearable.  I can barely move my shoulders and arms in the morning and it takes about an hour before I can walk without a limp.  Some mornings I can’t even lift Elliott out of her crib or hold her up to feed her. I have constant pain in my knees, elbow, head and neck, left ankle, left hand, and lower back. My chest and bronchial system are almost always congested and sore.  Sometimes I can’t fall asleep at night because I am in so much pain.

I’d think most people don’t realize how much pain I am in everyday….except for Homer, who hears about it nonstop. I choose not to talk about it to most people because I don’t want people to think I’m a complainer or appear like I’m looking for sympathy.

There is a drug that has been proven effective in fixing the pain and drastically slowly the progress of the diseases–methotrexate. This drug has also been proven to cause birth defects in unborn babies, which is why I wasn’t on it before.  There are other biochemical drugs that have proven to work (and so far have proven to be safer)–Enbrel, Humira, and Remicaid. The problem is–these drugs are super expensive and not covered by insurance. Without coverage, I’m looking at between $500-1,000 out of pocket each month.

My rheumatologist says I’ve reached a point where methotrexate is my only option. But the huge downside for me, I have to stop breastfeeding. This breaks my heart. When I first had Elliott, I hated breastfeeding. It was difficult and painful and time-consuming. But now I really do enjoy that time with her abd even look forward to it, as silly as that may sound. That is our bonding time.  It really makes me feel good to know that she is growing big and strong and smart thanks to the nurishment I am providing for her.

I know formula is perfectly safe….and I don’t want to knock any mothers who use it. But it is not what I wanted.  I wanted to try and breastfeed for a year. Now, I feel like I am letting Elliott down.

I’m not sure what I should do. My doctor says I don’t have a choice–I need this medication. He says in order to be a good mother to her, I need to take care of myself.  But, I’m not sure I can just stop feeding her. I don’t want tomorrow to be the last day I breastfeed her.

I know I have to do what’s right for me. But it’s just so hard…..

I haven’t written anything on this page for awhile–not because I don’t have anything to say–but probably because I have too much to say and I don’t know how to break it all down. I’ve been bottling all of my feelings up–and then unloading unfairly on Homer–and I know that can’t be healthy. So I’m going to give  writing a try. Homer tells me it will be therapeutic for me to do so. So, here we go. Consider this my time to vent.

At the end of the day, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have this beautiful little girl who is the light of my life. Elliott makes everything better. She really does. She doesn’t understand all of the sadness and tough times and stress in the world. She just sees love. She is pure and innocent and I want to do everything in my power to protect her and give her a beautiful life. 

And then there is my husband–the man who sees me struggling at times and does everything in his power to make me feel better. I know it breaks Homer’s heart at times to know that I am sad and he can’t do anything to fix it. But, what he doesn’t always realize, is that he does make things better. He always makes things better. Knowing I have him by my side is what keeps me strong.  Homer puts Elliott and me first….always.  I know he makes personal sacrifices so that I can be happy.  If every woman had a husband like Homer, the divorce rate would be 0 percent.

Keeping things on a positive note, I have loved spending everyday this summer with my Elliott. I know this is time together that can never be taken away from us and someday I will look back and be so grateful that we had this bonding time.  Plus, we’ve gotten to spend a great deal of time with my parents and family, which also means a lot to me.

As for my employment status, I am still unemployed.  I never thought I would say that. It’s been almost two months now. I always thought if I followed directions and did everything right, all would work out. I got good grades, graduated from college, had a zillion internships, excelled in my careers. I made sure I was prepared. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter.  I was a dollar sign affecting someone’s bottomline.

Am I bitter?  Nah…I wouldn’t say bitter. But I am still pissed off.  I understand the economy is in the toilet. I understand business is bad for many companies, GMR included, and that sometimes there is just no work to be had.  The thing is–I worked hard for GMR. I was loyal and dedicated and took a great deal of pride in my work for the company and its clients. It hurts me that with one decision, I was out.  I feel like all I accomplished during my time there didn’t matter.  I’m sure many of my friends and former co-workers feel the same way.

What’s so frustrating (as thousands of others know) is that there are just no jobs out there. Sure, I could take a low-paying position with no benefits or hopes of advancement, but that isn’t good enough.  I worked hard to get where I am. I need to support my family. Am I being unrealistic right now?  Maybe.  And you may be wondering why I am stressing so much about a job and not simply embracing my time as a stay-at-home mom. The bottomline…with a new house, furniture, car, and baby….I can’t afford to be a stay-at-home mom.

I stress about money a lot. I get unemployment benefits each month, but that doesn’t even cover the mortgage. So, we’ve cut out anything and everything extra….including most of our savings and retirement contributions…which sucks big time.   Maybe this is just a giant reality check though. I used to be able to go to Target on a Tuesday afternoon and spend $75, no problem. Now, I can’t justify buying anything that isn’t an absolute necessity. 

So, I’ve been applying for some positions I’ve seen posted online. I haven’t heard anything back–even for positions in which I know I’d be a perfect fit.  I was actually offered one job, but it was only part-time and offered little pay and no benefits and, like I said, I really need a full-time position. I’ve been networking too–meeting with owners of local agencies and PR firms–hoping that when they do need to hire, my name will be on their list of possible candidates.  Eventually something is going to work out. I know it’s been less than two months, but it feels like forever.

OK, I didn’t mean to be a giant Debbie Downer, but it did feel good to get some of that off my chest.

Let’s end this again on a happy note. I have an amazing extended family (mom and dad, this includes you!) who loves me and makes personal sacrificies to make things better for us. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter and being her mom is the best job in the world. I have great friends who I adore.  I realize money isn’t everything and there are many, many people who have it worse than I do.

And….I must admit…it is pretty nice to go to the zoo or fishing with my dad on a Thursday afternoon while everyone else is at work….

I received some bad news this past Friday. After nearly three-and-a-half years with GMR Marketing, I was laid off. The news came just a day before I was to return from my maternity leave.

The economy is to blame for the layoff. My past clients, ING and New Balance, currently do not have any projects with GMR and if there are no clients, there is no work.

I was really disappointed because I had received a call from GMR on Thursday, saying that there was a project for me to work on–a project in marathon sponsorships (my specialty.) But then I got a call back on Friday saying that GMR moved someone else into the position and it was no longer available.

I was told, “Hopefully we can bring you back soon.” I hope that is indeed the case. The good news (if there is any good news) is that I leave GMR in very good standing with an excellent performance record.

Obviously, this layoff couldn’t come at a worse time. We have a brand new house, car, furniture, and most importantly, baby. But, we will be OK. We’ll tighten the purse strings and trade steak and shrimp for hot dogs and ramen, but we’ll survive.

And now I’ll begin the job hunt. I love staying home with Elliott, but the bills need to be paid. Plus, I don’t think I was ever cut out to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.

I’m looking for a full or part-time position in marketing, special event planning, community or media relations, or athletic management. Please let me know if you hear of any openings!

This past Saturday, Homer, Elliott and my friend Jen took part in the 8th Annual Strides for Lupus Walk at the Mount Mary College campus in Milwaukee.  What a beautiful day for a 3-mile walk! 

Homer, Elliott & Kari at the 2009 Strides for Lupus Walk.

Kari & Jen

Last year, we put together “Team KP Dawson” with more than 40 of our family and friends, but because of the troubling economy and all of the other excitement the Dawson family has had lately, I decided not to form a team this year. 

Homer--being the good Dad that he is--made sure Elle had one of the balloons at the start line!

As you may know, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and lupus in December 2007.  Both conditions are auto-immune diseases in which the body produces antibodies that recognize the joints and some organs as invaders and attacks them.  While I was pregnant, the condition was in remission and my body (except for the standard pregnancy stuff) felt great. But about five weeks after Elliott was born, it came back with a vengeance.  The pain varies by day, but I experience the most trouble in my toes, ankles, fingers, knees, lower back and neck.  I also have regular tightness and pressure in my chest and lungs. Sometimes my face is extremely dry and patchy. 

I am on two drugs to control the pain and slow down the joint damage–prednisone and hydroxychloroquine.  Prednisone assists with the pain. My rheumatologist says the hydroxychloroquine is basically a patch on a leaky roof–I need something better and stronger.  The ideal drug is called methotrexate. However, it’s proven to cause birth defects in developing babies and cannot be taken if a mom is breastfeeding. The other drugs–administered through injections or IV–like Enbrel, Humira, and Remicaid–are also excellent options, but are very expensive and not fully covered by insurance.

So, for now, I deal with the pain and keep a positive attitude. It’s not so bad once I get moving, but in the morning–woo–I feel like an 89-year-old lady trying to move around.

Next year I plan to bring back Team KP Dawson for the Strides for Lupus Walk, so expect an email from me sometime in the Spring!

This past Saturday I ran my very first 5k since giving birth to Elliott. In fact, it’s the first race I’ve run since last August. Before that, I was running about one race each week.  It was really tough for me when I had to hang up the sneakers for awhile.  But, I’m back! 

I ran the Laura’s Smile Mile 5k at Veteran’s Park at the lakefront. I love this race because it benefits the Ovarian Cancer Alliance and it makes me feel good to do a race that supports a worthy cause.  I felt pretty good during the run, despite the 46-degree temperature and high winds. I definitely didn’t set any personal records, but I finished the race. It was a good five minutes slower than I was running a year ago, but it’s a start.  Hell, I only gave birth 10 weeks ago. 

Because of that, I am really proud of myself.  I am proud that instead of sitting home upset about my weight gain and overall out-of-shapeness, I am doing something about it.  Lately, my RA has been really bad too. Somedays it’s difficult to walk, move my arms or fingers or bend my ankles.  But, I’m not using that as an excuse. I’m fighting through it.

Someday, I want Elliott to look at me and who I was after I gave birth to her and be proud. I want her to know I am choosing to be healthy and fit and active for her.  I can’t wait to take her running, teach her all about sports, and coach her teams.

As for now, I will push on. I’ve been getting up between 5 and 6 a.m. lately to go for my run before Elliott gets up. Hopefully this will continue to work as I head back to work on the 22nd.

And next up on the running schedule–the St. Mary’s Elm Grove 5k on Friday night. Wish me luck!

Sorry it’s taken me so long to update this page!  It’s really true that after you have a baby, you are running on empty most of the time and have very little free time to sit down and do something for yourself!  

 I can’t believe it’s been five weeks until I sat down and wrote about how scared I was to become a mother (and give birth.)  Now, I sit here at the computer looking at my amazing daughter sleeping next to me in her swing and my eyes fill with tears and my heart melts.  I think of her and my amazing husband and know my life is complete.

I can use just about every adjective in the English language to describe the last five weeks.  I will say childbirth was not as bad as I imagined. (Again, I can say this five weeks later. A few weeks ago I was singing a different tune.)  I will never forget how I felt the moment Elliott came out and Dr. Bear placed her slimy little body on my chest.  I’ll never forget the look in Homer’s eyes when he looked at me.  I will never forget looking over at my mother and seeing an immense pride beaming through her. Every woman whose ever given birth is right–as soon as you see your baby, you forget about all of the pain and hours and hours of labor. (For a little bit, anyway.)  

You’ve probably read Homer’s blogs.  I don’t have the space on this page to write about how wonderful he was with me in the hospital. He was my rock. He was at my side through the entire labor, delivery, and recovery. He stroked my head, rubbed my back, told me how beautiful I was. He held my leg up during delivery and watched every second of our daughter entering this world. Homer took care of me in my times of  need and never stopped reassuring me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  As I write this, I am overwhelmed by how much I love this man.  

Woo…now I am getting teary-eyed again….anyway….after delivery, the epidural headache was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Worse than childbirth. I couldn’t even take care of myself–use the bathroom, shower, get dressed. Lifting my head at all was just too painful. Opening my eyes was almost too painful. The hardest part was not being able to hold Elliott, feed her, or comfort her.  Homer took care of everything. He was amazing and even though I couldn’t help the fact that I was incapacitated, I felt like I was letting my daughter down, and that broke my heart.  People ask me if, in hindsight, I would still have received an epidural, the answer is, “yes.”  Had I not been medicated, in my opinion, the pain of labor and contractions would have blinded some of the experience of delivering and meeting my daughter.  

Everything was better and back to normal about three weeks after delivery. Well, everything epidural-related.  After five weeks, the “downstairs” area (if you know what I mean) is still healing.  But, it is 100 times better than it was a few weeks ago.  I can actually use the bathroom without wincing in pain. I am walking again, but haven’t started running yet. I’m waiting for the six-week clearance from Dr. Bear for that.  

From an emotional standpoint, the last five weeks have been rough at times. I’ve had several mental breakdowns as a result. (God bless Homer for dealing with that.)  I’m struggling with body image. I guess I knew my body wouldn’t bounce right back to its pre-baby shape, but I don’t think I ever really prepared myself for the reality of it.  So far I’ve lost about 25 pounds, but I still have quite a bit to go. My boobs are ridiculously big (and different sizes) and they HURT. My nipples (sorry, guys) are hella sore from breastfeeding.  I thought I’d avoided stretch marks, but the intense labor left a few on my tummy.  The hormones are giving me acne breakouts and dry skin. What happened to the pregnancy glow?  To add to it, I have broken down in tears on a few occasions because, basically, I have nothing to wear. My maternity clothes either look too much like maternity clothes, or are just too big. All of my pre-pregnancy clothes are too small.  So, I’ve been wearing sweatpants and soccer shorts. This weekend I’m going to suck it up and buy some bigger clothes so I actually have something to wear.  And I’m going to retire the maternity underwear and granny panties.  Homer tells me that I can’t expect to bounce right back to my old self just five weeks after having a baby. I realize this, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. At least I can say that when I look at Elliott, I know it is all worth it.    

Well, enough about me. Elliott is perfect. She fills my heart with love in a way I never knew possible. She and I have this bond that I can’t really describe. I love that she recognizes my voice and face. I love that when she is crying, I can pick her up and she is instantly comforted.  I love that she looks up at me and smiles after I’ve changed her diaper.  I would do anything for this little girl, and as I write this, I realize that everything I just wrote about in the paragraph above doesn’t really matter at all.    

She is really doing great though. She is still in size “newborn” diapers and clothes, but is growing bigger everyday.  She will sleep up to three hours in a stretch and is a good little eater. She loves her swing and the mobiles on her swing and bassinet.  Her favorite place is the changing table and after a clean diaper, she laughs and giggles with delight. Now if we could only get her to smile like that in the bathtub….  

Thank you for sharing in this amazing experience in our lives. Now that things are starting to get on schedule, I’m really looking forward to updating this page regularly and keeping you up-to-date on all of the Elliott happenings.  

KP

Well, the time has finally come. It’s funny–the last few weeks all I’ve been saying is that I can’t wait for the baby to come out and now that it’s time, I’m scared shitless.

We leave for the hospital in about a half an hour. I’ve spent the entire morning power-cleaning the house—one, because I’m that obsessed with cleaning, but mainly two, because it’s kept my mind occupied.  I’m not sure if it’s really hit me yet that in 48 hours, I will have a daughter. I just packed up her little onesie and socks to go home from the hospital and I’m overwhelmed with emotion.

I’m nervous about this whole labor thing. I’m most nervous that I’ll end up having a C-section. My friends tell me it’s no big deal–and it some cases, even better than a vaginal birth–but it still scares me.  Mainly, I just want the baby to be healthy. That thought is thrown out so much by expectant parents.  People ask, “Do you want a boy or a girl?”  And the PC answer is, “It doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy.”  I think for the first time, I’m starting to really understand the truth in that.

Thank God I have a husband who is so loving and supportive. He’s my rock. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat–and he keeps me steady and sane. I know he will get me through this.

I know everything is going to be great. I have one of the best doctors in the area and am delivering at the top women’s hospital in SE Wisconsin. So many of my friends have beautiful children. All have crazy stories of labor. Yet, all have lived to tell me about them.  Pretty soon I’ll be the one sharing my own story.

Thank you for caring about Homer and me.  We love you and I can’t wait for you to meet our little girl.

KP

Hello there. Welcome to my homepage. Homer was actually the one who surprised me recently by creating this website. He thought the page would be a great method of sharing updates from our lives–most importantly, our growing family–with our family and friends.

Blogging will also give me something to do while I am at home on maternity leave taking in this whole motherhood thing. Not that we are the most exciting people in the world……we just want you to get to know us and our daughter as we grow as a family together. Thanks for finding our lives almost as exciting as we do.