An End to Breastfeeding….
So, I got some news from the rheumatologist today regarding treatment moving forward for my RA and lupus. To set the scene, for the last year, I’ve been taking several drugs–prednisone, hydroxycloroquine, and naproxen–to control the pain and inflammation, as well as the progress of the diseases. These drugs are fairly mild, and my doctor chose not to use stronger treatments because, at the time, I was planning on having a baby.
Fast forward two years.
Since giving birth in March, the pain throughout my body from the diseases has, at times, become unbearable. I can barely move my shoulders and arms in the morning and it takes about an hour before I can walk without a limp. Some mornings I can’t even lift Elliott out of her crib or hold her up to feed her. I have constant pain in my knees, elbow, head and neck, left ankle, left hand, and lower back. My chest and bronchial system are almost always congested and sore. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep at night because I am in so much pain.
I’d think most people don’t realize how much pain I am in everyday….except for Homer, who hears about it nonstop. I choose not to talk about it to most people because I don’t want people to think I’m a complainer or appear like I’m looking for sympathy.
There is a drug that has been proven effective in fixing the pain and drastically slowly the progress of the diseases–methotrexate. This drug has also been proven to cause birth defects in unborn babies, which is why I wasn’t on it before. There are other biochemical drugs that have proven to work (and so far have proven to be safer)–Enbrel, Humira, and Remicaid. The problem is–these drugs are super expensive and not covered by insurance. Without coverage, I’m looking at between $500-1,000 out of pocket each month.
My rheumatologist says I’ve reached a point where methotrexate is my only option. But the huge downside for me, I have to stop breastfeeding. This breaks my heart. When I first had Elliott, I hated breastfeeding. It was difficult and painful and time-consuming. But now I really do enjoy that time with her abd even look forward to it, as silly as that may sound. That is our bonding time. It really makes me feel good to know that she is growing big and strong and smart thanks to the nurishment I am providing for her.
I know formula is perfectly safe….and I don’t want to knock any mothers who use it. But it is not what I wanted. I wanted to try and breastfeed for a year. Now, I feel like I am letting Elliott down.
I’m not sure what I should do. My doctor says I don’t have a choice–I need this medication. He says in order to be a good mother to her, I need to take care of myself. But, I’m not sure I can just stop feeding her. I don’t want tomorrow to be the last day I breastfeed her.
I know I have to do what’s right for me. But it’s just so hard…..
August 19th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Hey Kari.
I had a tough time giving up nursing Abe too. Although I wasn’t in the same spot as you. I never really made tons of milk and had to start supplementing quite early. But because I wasn’t able to breastfeed Rae, I was particularly thrilled that it worked with Abe. And I quickly fell in love with it — as weird as that may sound to some people. Obviously what your doctor is saying is right, even though it’s a tough pill to swallow I’m sure. But you do need to take care of yourself so you’re in the best condition for Elliott.
It WAS tough at first. But it gets easier. Try and take comfort in the fact that by nursing her this long has already provided TONS of extra nourishment that will carry her through her lifetime. Be proud of the last five months and all you’ve done. You’ve lasted far longer already than most women!
August 20th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Kari, you are such a strong girl, putting up with that pain all the time. You have done a great job breastfeeding as long as you have. You will not be letting Elliott down. Set a date for yourself in a week or two to stop–that way you will have some time to prepare rather than cutting it off tomorrow. Take care of yourself so you can be better for Elliott in the future! You’re a great mom and an inspiration!
August 21st, 2009 at 3:45 pm
You will do what’s right, no matter what you choose. Clearly, it’s not a decision you’re making lightly, either. You ARE a good mother because you’re making the most educated decision you can make, and if it’s going to formula, so be it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about being a parent, it’s to never judge the reason why someone’s not breastfeeding their baby. More often than not, there’s good reason why they’re formula feeding. You just usually don’t get an explanation up front. It’s tiring to see moms being judgmental no matter what the circumstances. Why can’t we all just get along?